Cold and Broken Hallelujah
by Azarathian Angel
Summary: Eventually, every hero must realize that they risk their life each day. And sometimes, through the death of a loved one, we may suddenly feel the guilt of being the one who survived... BBxRae.


**A/N:**

This is my first try at a Teen Titans fan fiction, so go easy on me, please. -Edit- I've made some revisions, possibly because the original sucked. This one doesn't… well, that's a matter of your opinion. (plz review)

**Song lyrics Bold**

_Memories: Italics _

Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans. If I did, there wouldn't even be _rumors_ that it was ending. I also do not own the song 'Hallelujah' by Rufus Wainwright

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The cold air of the hallway swept across him, causing him to shiver. Had it been hours, or just mere minutes that he had been standing outside her door? No matter the time, still he stood there, unable to bring himself to enter. He wouldn't knock, for he would not receive an answer. He would not call out her name, for he would not see her open her door halfway and tell him to get lost. The young man knew he would never see her again. But that did not mean he wanted to accept it.

Her name was printed clearly upon the door as if it were a warning. It simply stated 'enter and your risk being sent to an alternate dimension'. Yet, he had risked it, and only a few time had he actually been trapped in another world. His ears perked up, listening for a sound that would tell of some sort of normality. He heard nothing –not the chanting of her mantra, nor the sound of a page being turned in one of her old spell books. There was nothing. The changeling smelled not the incense for her spells, nor the fragrance of her tea.

Something urged him to go in; this unknown force told him to face it as the door slid open with a hiss and a rush of cold air. Stepping over the threshold, the shadows of her room engulfed him. The feeling of trespassing grew with each step. This was her room –her sanctuary! This was where she fled to just so she could escape the world in its chaos for a moment. He recognized the raven statue on one of her_ many _bookshelves. With its red eyes, it resembled the birds that dwelled within her mind. Then he remembered her meditation mirror, and a small, impossible, glimmer of hope entered his mind. When he made his way to the dresser, tears threatened to form in his eyes. The glass of the mirror was shattered. Perhaps he should have guessed this, but for that small and short instant when he thought he could see her again he was happy –an emotion Beast boy hadn't felt for weeks.

**Maybe I've been here before. **

**I know this room, I've walked this floor. **

**I used to live alone before I knew you. **

His gloved hand rested on the surface of the dresser for a moment. As he removed it, that fact no soul had been living in the room for quite some time came into shock. Dust covered almost every surface in the room, yet it was now that he fully began to notice it. Looking upon the dresser, he noticed the few items sitting on it… A book or two, a hairbrush, her mirror, and a couple of pictures. His hand brushed one of the photographs, and lifted it carefully to take a closer look at it. It was Titans Tower, outside in the morning light. Each Titan stood smiling at the timed camera –well, except for Raven. A deadly scowl was planted on her face, for it had taken much begging and pleading to get her outside. Beast boy remembered making a joke about her secretly being a vampire, shutting herself away from sunlight and all. Of course, after this he had gotten a good blow to the head. But, even through her frustration with them, she came anyway. Setting it down, he looked at the other picture, fingering it carefully. Two smiling faces met his and, in turn, made his smile disappear. There she stood… as perfect, beautiful, and real as ever. He had stood next to her, a green arm around her waist. Judging by the way his other arm trailed off the shot, he had been holding the camera.

There was something about seeing her there. It was just a photograph –just a happy memory! Yet, it made him feel terrible inside. It made everything seem like it was alright, when in reality, everything had become a living hell. Things had been thrown upside down for the past few weeks. The Tower had become a solemn and grieving home. Nothing was right without her.

**I've seen your face on the marble arch. **

**Love is not a victory march- **

**It's a cold, and it's a broken Hallelujah. **

Nevertheless, he took the picture with him as he walked to her bed. He sat down on the floor near the foot of the bed and leaned against it. What had gone wrong? Things had been perfect before… Shaking his head, he laid his head back, closing his eyes, and the memories flooded back without warning…

_Worry had clouded his mind, forcing him to get to the bottom of it all. Knocking on her door, no one answered. Again, he knocked. But all was the same. _

_"Rae?" He called softly, opening the door slightly. The sound of her chanting met his ears before he saw her. Her hood down, she floated a good two or three feet off the ground near her window. Her eyes were closed and her legs were crossed as her blue cloak trailed behind her. He walked over quickly, but as silently as he could. _

_"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos…" She repeated. Beast boy smiled when he saw the peace on her pale face. Without a care for her reaction, he wrapped his arms around her waist and whispered in her ear. _

**Hallelujah, Hallelujah, **

**Hallelujah, Hallelujah. **

_"Hey, Rae." Her eyes opened immediately and her boots touched the ground. Looking over her shoulder, she already knew who would call her by that name. She let one of the smallest of smiles grace her lips, as he continued. "I haven't seen much of you lately. What's up?" _

_Raven could always leave it to Beast boy to be the first one to worry about her. Sighing, she looked outside at the setting sun. "It's nothing." She said, leaning into his embrace. When he whispered her name, she looked over into his unsatisfied face. "Well… I'm not sure how to explain it, really." _

_With his hands on her shoulders, he turned her so he could look her in the eyes. "You can tell me, you know." _

_She hung her head for a moment. "I think-" Pausing, she shook her head. "I think maybe it's a- a premonition." _

_Beast boy lifted her chin. "You mean you had a vision?" _

_"It's- It's a dream." Her voice grew almost frightened. "Something terrible happens. It's so real, I can't help but think…" She leaned her head against his chest. "I can't help but think it might come true." _

_Startled a bit, he wasn't sure what to do. Raven hardly ever acted like this, but even he knew that she should admit or show she's afraid –rather than relive the 'Wicked Scary' Halloween horror again. Wrapping his arms tighter around her, he kissed the top of her head. _

**There was a time when you'd let me know **

**what's real and going on below. **

**But now you never show it to me, do you? **

_"I'm sure everything's fine, Rae." He said, stroking her purple hair. "Whatever it is-" _

_"No." She said in a louder voice, bringing her head up to look at him. "You don't get it! Someone –I think someone… dies. But, I don't even know who, Beast boy! It's horrible." _

_He smiled at her, brushing some stray hair away from her pale face. "We're super heroes." He said, resting his head against hers. "If something _did _happen I'm sure we could all handle it." _

_Raven shook her head once more. "You haven't seen it. It's just- so real… I can't get my mind off it-" _

_"Rae-" _

_"-I can't help but worry for everyone! Losing a Titan would just be-" _

_"Rae-" _

_"-horrible. But I'm not even sure what to do, I-" Lost in her worries, she would not listen to any reason. So, he did the only thing he knew would quiet her- he placed his lips over hers in a soft kiss. He felt her body grow tense, yet he didn't stop. After a moment, she relaxed and kissed him back. But, it truly did only last a moment, for when she pressed her lips firmly against his, her emotions ran wild. Several books flew off their shelves, scattering themselves across the room. _

_They jumped at the noise, pulling away quickly. For some reason, his smile was more of a laughing smirk. "At least you didn't break you lamp this time, huh?" _

_A small, almost inaudible, laugh escaped from her mouth and the lamp did, indeed, incase itself in a dark black energy. Its pieces were thrown over her bedside table. _

**Remember when I moved in you? **

**The holy dark was moving, too. **

**And every breath we drew was Hallelujah. **

The memory left as quickly as it came, leaving Beast boy dazed and confused. He realized now how lucky he had been that she had shared that with him, how lucky he was that she chose to show as much emotion that she could around him. It was then that it really hit him –that was the last time he was alone with her. Only hours later, only precious hours later they had gotten a call that Slade was in some God-forsaken section of the city.

Was it enough that he _had_ spent time with her? It surely didn't seem like enough to him. He should have talked to her more, he should have told her each and every day! Sure they had been dating for a while, but he rally should have explained to her why he pestered her so much. Maybe he should have told her exactly why he said those stupid jokes, and why he was determined to get her to open up. If only… if only he had told her how he really felt. It was too late now, far too late. But, perhaps, she had known all along. Perhaps she had felt it… she was an Empath, after all. All he could do was hope. That was it, that was all he could do –hope that she had known and take comfort in the thought.

**Hallelujah, Hallelujah, **

**Hallelujah, Hallelujah. **

His eyes still closed, he gripped the picture frame so hard his knuckles turned almost white. Try as he might, he couldn't stop the other memories from returning…

_"This, dear Titans, is where I take my leave." Slade's menacing voice struck the silence of the construction site. "I have places to be, things to steal… people to kill." In an instant he was gone, his dark figure lost in the shadows above in the metal girders, but not before they heard his final words. "Oh, and Raven, it was wonderful seeing you again. Maybe we can destroy the world again some time?" His voice faded quickly. _

_Raven got up, wiping the blood from her lip. Damn him, she thought. _

_"We'll get him next time, man." Cyborg said to Robin, who currently had a look of pure hatred on his face. _

_"Yah, I guess." The team leader responded as Starfire placed a hand on his shoulder. _

_Meanwhile, Beast boy ran up to Raven, a goofy grin on his face. "Hey, Rae, are you okay?" _

_"It's Raven," She said, brushing some rubble off of her blue cloak. "And, I'm fine." She actually struggled to refrain from smiling at him. _

_"See? I told you everything would be alright!" _

_"Yes, I suppose you were right." Her voice was in its regular monotone. _

_Beast boy punched a fist into the air, jumping up. "Yes! You finally admit I was right for once!" _

_She shook her head at him, rolling her eyes. Notice something odd in the background, she snapped to attention. Something… someone was moving in the girders behind them all… yet the shadows concealed their identity. _

_"Beast boy, Raven, look out!" Robin called, just as a small silver sphere flew from the shadows, landing at their feet. It exploded on impact… _

**And maybe there's a God above. **

**And all I ever learned from love **

**Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. **

_…just as Raven rose a shield of energy around the two of them. The shield quickly lowered as she spoke. "Are you alright?" _

_Beast boy nodded, his eyes fixed on something else. "For the moment." He said as rows upon rows of Slade's robots emerged from the darkness. The first row stepped forward, small red lights on their chest blinking and beeping –just like the sphere… _

_"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!" Raven barely finished before every robot that stood before them exploded. Immediately, the Titans were underneath a black dome of energy. When the smoke had cleared, the dome disappeared and the next row of robots stepped up. _

_"Well this should be fun." Cyborg said, raising his sonic cannon. _

_"Teen Titans, go!" _

Outside of this dream –this memory, Beast boy lay against the side of the bed. His thoughts swirled around in his mind, giving him a headache. He could still remember it, all of it. He had seen Raven, fallen to the ground, and remembered the feeling he got. It had been there… that beast that was deep inside of him. Its lust for freedom, for revenge, had grown. He knew he felt it only when he saw Raven fighting –that thing inside him wanted to protect her. There wasn't much more he could remember- He had fought as long as he could until exhaustion reached them all. There was so much more, so many things he hear

d that he wished he could forget… the explosions… shouts from the team… and Raven's cry.

He bolted up, as if waking from a nightmare. Hearing her again was… it wasn't right. "Raven…" Resting his head in his hands, his breathing did not slow or return to normal. Looking towards the window, his hands curled into fists, for the anger he felt in the fight still lingered in his heart. There were cardboard boxes in the corner, sitting there but completely empty. Robin had put them there, for as the team leader he tried to be strong. He tried to talk about moving on… but even he was really close to her, which was why the boxes remained untouched.

**It's not cry you can hear at night. **

**It's not somebody who's seen the light. **

**It's a cold, and it's a broken Hallelujah. **

It hadn't seemed fair. Why was he alive when she was not? She was a hero, she helped protect Jump City! She didn't deserve this… it shouldn't have happened. _She should be here, _he thought_. She should be here with me. She shouldn't be… she shouldn't be dead! _

Beast boy picked up the picture at his feet. Tears swelled in his eyes, and the photo seemed clouded. The anger once again grew, yet he didn't know who it was directed at. Was it at Slade, for sending the attack? Or was it at himself, because he felt he should have done something more to help her? Throwing the picture across the room, the glass shattered when it hit the wall. He buried his face in his hands, no longer caring if he cried. He had to face it –she wasn't coming back! She would never hide in her room again, peeking her head out only when he came. She would no longer make jokes about his stupidity, and she would never show emotion around him again. It could no longer be denied –Raven was dead.

Whether it was from the sound of his loud breathing, or the sound of the breaking glass, someone opened her door and stood in the doorway. Their shadow remained there for a moment, before they sat down on the bed. Beast boy did not care if someone saw him. He just didn't care anymore.

"Look," Cyborg's familiar voice filled the room. "We all miss her, you know."

Beast boy pulled his knees up and folded his arms on top of them. His eyes were the only things not hidden, and he looked at his friend through the mirror above the dresser.

"I know we're all struggling, and-"

"Cy," He said. "I don't want to talk right now."

"Just listen, man." Cyborg continued. "I know the last thing you wanna do is forget her, but maybe you-"

"Forget her?" Beast boy stood up, his voice growing louder with each word spoken. "Of course I don't want to forget her! She means everything to me… I- I love her." He didn't care if he was heard throughout the Tower.

**Hallelujah, Hallelujah, **

**Hallelujah, Hallelujah. **

Cyborg hung his head for a moment in thought. He got up, walking to the door, and stopped when he got there. "I thought you noticed... but she loved you, too."

The door shut, sending the room into darkness. Beast boy sunk to his knees, and time seemed to stop. Had he really noticed it? Maybe he had, for he had thought what she felt for him was more than _just _a feeling, but he wasn't sure if it would be called love. What ever it was, it hardly seemed to matter anymore. She was gone now. He buried his face in the blankets, trying to calm down. Everything about her… her touch, her kiss, her voice, her laugh, _everything_ all left a lingering memory. But now all they left was a horrible scar.

He did not know how long he stayed there, but all throughout his heart ached. It was hours, perhaps, before he took that first deep breath and sleep took him. But, there was something about the peacefulness that entered the room, for there was an almost celestial presence there. It gave him sleep, granting him the short hours where he dreamt about the happy memories, instead of reminiscing on the bad ones.

The presence left at dawn's first rays of light, similar to the being's ways when it lived. Beast boy awoke a few hours later, the sunlight streaming in the window and causing him to stir. Clearing away the glass, he folded and pocketed the photograph.

That afternoon, in the chilling September air, the graveyard gates were open. The graveyard was so large that one might wonder how many people passed through here, and how many stayed. The crows sitting upon the dead branches of the trees may have known. They watched souls go in, they watched bodies being buried, and they watched misinformed preachers comfort hopeless families by telling them their loved one was in a better place, when in reality, they may have been a damned soul.

These seemingly all-knowing beings cried out at the moon, and watched the seasons go by as the graves were buried in snow, covered in leaves, surrounded by flowers, and scorched in the heat. The birds watched as people paid their respects, came back year after year, and forgot eventually or else were buried by the one that they had once visited. Today, though, these beings watched as a young man walked down the gravel path, leaves crunching under his shoes.

Red roses were placed on a fresh grave, and they watched as he put his hands in his jacket pockets and just stood there. But, something puzzled those birds. All other humans dressed in black, or else fancy clothing that usually sat, forgotten, at the back of their closets. This human was different. He dressed in old baggy jeans, a t-shirt, and a grey jacket. The birds hardly paid attention to the fact his skin was green.

They were truly confused. Why was this human dressed like this? Had he no respect for the dead? Though this was far from the truth, he cared not about the opinions of the crows, even if he was able to converse with them if he desired. Truthfully, he felt as if she would have wanted him to be himself when he came, and maybe she really did. There was a solemn attitude around him, but not one of deep despair. He now knew he could always find comfort in the memories.

**Hallelujah, Hallelujah, **

**Hallelujah, Hallelujah. **

After a moment, three other teens joined him, a young man who was part machine, a tall young woman with blazing red hair, and a young man who wore a mask over his eyes. The crows watched this strange group, as they stood together for a while. They reminisced about past times, and made jokes about things said long ago. The talking quieted soon, and one by one they left until the young green man was the only one left.

He stared down at the grave, clearly reading it over and over. _Raven Roth. A noble Teen Titan. A loved friend. _This boy smiled at the stone, the black color of it reminding him of so many things. "Gosh, Rae…" He said quietly. "It feels weird talking to you. I don't even know if you can hear me…" He swallowed nervously. "I miss you, I miss you so much." He felt the tears threaten to return but he tried to hold them back. "Look at me! I'm being serious for once. So unlike me, eh?" He laughed, tears running down his face. "But… when I lost you I thought my life would never be good again. But, I realized that I'll always have our memories. I just wanted you to know I love you… I think I always did."

He stood there for a moment longer, taking a deep breath. To his right, sitting upon a leafless tree, sat a black bird. He looked at it, smiling as he did –for it was not a crow, but a graceful raven. It stared at him for a moment before flying off, somewhere beyond the clouds where his eyes could no longer follow it.

**Hallelujah. **

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